Not feeling it lately. Some unsorted thoughts:

A couple times now I’ve asked her to make me feel, to make me really feel. Like I’m owned; like I’m property; like I’m hers; like I belong. She keeps demurring, saying she doesn’t want to “rush to the end”, as if her making me feel that once would mean I actually would assent to becoming her thing.

I’ve tried to say a few times now—after she repeated the line about not wanting to rush—that I’m in no rush myself. I don’t know how to say the more blunt thing: that, if I was asked to make a decision now, I’d turn her down. It’s not a desire to rush to the end; I need to know if she’s capable of it to even know whether I want to continue, let alone increase the commitment!

As it stands we’re trialling, and I am—honestly speaking—not very satisfied. Even the small amounts of play we have done recently, the energy’s been off. I guess she feels like it is going okay? And that itself is a cause for concern and something to be addressed. Okay.

A charged dream of Dragon.

Keen for something.

ダメかな？

あまり伝えてとどけないできない、深い気持ちは。

自分のために、もっと探しに行くんだ。

Went to high tea for our anniversary (both quite “in role”, too), spent both days of the weekend just lying on the grass in a park reading phenomenology — a rare weekend of sunny days — and today, a first dose of BNT162b2.

Feeling a bit angry today.

Irritated, annoyed, moody. I’m coming to the end of my progesterone cycle, and just as well. I feel a lot of it directed at her but I’m not certain how much is warranted.