A few weeks (months?) ago I thought it’d be neat to have a little pop-up window visualising the output of jj, so I could look at the changelog graph change in real-time as I did commands, rather than checking Tl (jj log) repeatedly.

En route, I really wanted to know what song was playing on my Inkplate, so I hastily threw together suena and a script for calling it over the network.

As I started learning how to use jj-lib, I decided it was finally time I would not just push it to GitHub, but make my own. nóssa is very much a work-in-progress, but it’s functional (and backed up) enough that I can just keep everything there now. Along the way I learned to produce commit graphs the same way jj does, and get used to git2-rs, which has been neat.

While pushing LiveViews a little too hard, I found I needed another Elixir/Phoenix project to work on, since nóssa’s a first-of-the-kind for me and I needed to learn faster and spread the mistakes out a little. Redoing my blog seemed like a good opportunity. I’ve been putting off posting more until I finally got asset management done, but then I was finding the compile/Nix-realisation-time on my VPS prohibitive, so now I have a really big homelab server (mothdust!) for the first time in forever.

Now I’m thinking I’ll want a caching reverse proxy that sits on a very small VPS, so that if mothdust goes down, GET requests can still work. And maybe I can make it do the upstream requests over the Erlang network instead of just being a dumb client. Among other things, this avoids having to bypass Anubis or similar things another way, and could also e.g. fetch a list of known pages to “pre-render” the site into cache, purge the cache automatically on code updates and content edits, etc.? I’m particularly trying to have fun with my website, because why not? It’s a part of me.

my dreams press in on me

acumulando

un till i more often reminisce of them than of this

they bubble to the top, and over

• Got sick of having to do a half dozen VCS and Nix operations just to publish a new blog post; after a lifetime of managing to avoid it, gave in to the ultimate yak shave and wrote a little blog engine. (You’re reading from it now!)
• Got sick of waiting as long as I do for compiles on my VPS and ordered the bits for a little homelab server, which will probably replace the VPS entirely (though maybe I’ll keep a very small node for a static IP¹ and not putting my home IP out there). Soon this blog will be hosted from home \o/
• Ketamine consult was straightforward. I can’t say it sounds promising, but I’m going through the motions to get a quote from a hospital.
• CLONIDINE. Taking that at night now, and fuckity fuck the night sweats are almost a non-issue, just at 50µg?! Holy grail. Life feels significantly less shit.
• Autumn is so welcome.

just now

Annie: “Kas sa tead [unintelligible]?”
Talya: “Kas ma tean.. mida?”
Annie: “Prawn?”
Talya: “Kas ma tean… prawn?”
Annie: nods
Talya: “Tean küll. Oled sina.”

1. we’re in CGNAT territory out here :/ ↩

Rheumatologist was distracted and not really listening. He had nothing new to offer at first, but after it was clear I wasn’t game for “what if we try more anti-inflammatories” round III, he suggested a ketamine infusion to try to reset my nerves. I don’t like the idea of a hospital stay but, y’know what? Fuck it, we ball. Consult with the anaesthetologist in four weeks. If nothing else I get to eat hot chip.

Qué sorpresa, the tricyclic’s side-effects ended up prohibitive even on minimum dose; seven weeks was the mark for “increase again and start reducing duloxetine, or abort”, and I have chosen abort. No end in sight for night sweating. Getting a hold of my psychiatrist again to see what his bag of tricks might hold.

Time skips along. I am unsure how I feel about the impressions I leave on this world; unsure about most things. The rise of LLMs at this particular juncture has been really depressing; I am starting to lose my patience to deal with their insertion in my life in any context. The next time someone at work suggests running something through ChatGPT I might just take the rest of the day/week/month off. A good chunk of my industry has fallen for the bait. I was already having trouble taking other people seriously, in general, as a concept. Now I have to deal with them coming off as less interesting than the automata they coo over. Please, tell me about your productivity gains. Tell me about the vibes. Tell me. I am listening.

There are a few things I am able to feel sure about, one of which is this: trans rights are human rights. I don’t run any analytics and don’t often think about my reach, but I have some, don’t I?

May we find the liberation, friendship, and family we deserve. May we become ourselves, unfettered by shame. May our arrows find their mark.

Those who oppose our right to peace, self-determination, and a life worth living, entirely on our own terms – may you eat shit and die.