There’s something distinctly cyclical about how I’m relating to others and my goals at the moment and I don’t know how to attribute it.

Energy for creative output has waned — just wanna play games. Don’t care to see others or meet new people. I’m at the tail end of my P cycle so we’ll see what it’s like later this week when I’m off that again. I have quite a lot of socialising coming up and I want to be there for it, otherwise it’s gonna get annoying.

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get pushed or pulled around by dreams too much, but there’s something appealing about the inscrutability of allowing yourself to follow a path that’s been opened up for you, rather than demanding to try to understand one’s every little motive. Most of our reasoning’s made up post-hoc anyway, right?

(quoted from an email I sent a little while ago)

Feeling miffed at someone’s suggestion that I wouldn’t be committed to communication, ‘as a sub’.

There are lots of reasons why this would miff me so!, but, to demonstrate the most pertinent one, the rest of this entry will detail the entirety of the communications I have received from them so far.

One Step Forward — Nhato feat. Glascat (transcribed for Vivian)

Oh, oh

There is something strange inside my head
Something turns and runs from me
If I look back now what would I see there following?

Can I withstand it and make it through to the light?
If I turn back now then this will always follow

There is something strong inside my heart
Something deep, unwavering
If I breathe in now then I can’t find that part of me

Can I demand it and make it last through the night?
If I wake up now then I can’t find the future

Oh, oh
Oh, one step forward, forward
Oh, oh
Oh, one step forward, forward

Oh, oh
Oh, one step forward, forward

‘cause the fear will take me if I let it in
I must not, I must not, I must not, I must not let it in
And the light will make me if I reach the end
I will go, I will go, I will go, until it shines again

‘cause the fear will take me if I let it in
I must not, I must not, I must not, I must not let it in
And the light will make me if I reach the end
I will go, I will go, I will go, until it shines again

Oh, oh
Oh, one step forward, forward
Oh, oh
Oh, one step forward, forward

Oh, oh

I had a great deal of energy pushing me toward working on a kernel project after I came off the mood stabiliser. Having readded some testosterone to the mix, and..

The energy remains in some sense, and I could choose to devote it to the kernel, but I feel more inclined to simply be helpful on Discord to newcomers, and then put my energy toward language learning.

toki pona seems fun, but watching the conversations going on in ma pona it’s clear that its function is (intentionally) limited. I yearn for something greater, wider, deeper; of a depth not decided by the conventions that can only arise from mutual conversation with those present, but one with its roots thrust into the past.

Russian I continue to learn at the speed of my nestmate, so I will rededicate the energy I have now toward the language of my ancestors; mu emakeel, so to speak.

I thought to resist the pull, but following it has been fruitful lately, so I’ll continue to let it guide me xx