MAX 300 was the first¹ level 10 song I cleared at the arcade. I learned to play DDR with my older brother; I distinctly recall the sensation of finally being better than him at a game—whether it was Descent, StarCraft, anything, he always had such a lead.

I started DDR a bit later than him and had some catching up to do, but eventually crossed the level 9 mark before he did. It turned out rhythm games would be a good place for me to excel.

He lives overseas now, and at some point got an L-TEK DDR pad. I was a bit envious, but felt the shipping expense—far worse to Australia than the US—was too hard to justify. Pandemic closing the gym made it muuuuuch more palatable, and plus it’d mean I’d get to play DDR with my brother again in a way.

It’s been a very good way to get fit again, and hitting old milestones again is a lot of fun. I’ve done some other harder ones already, but today was the day for clearing MAX 300 again. My scores are much better than my 13-year-old self’s, even though my endurance isn’t.

1. Not counting 桜 or bag here. ↩

I’m fucking sick of feeling like I’m talking past everyone; like none of my words actually register.

I don’t know if it’s this pandemic or what, but so decreasingly do I get the impression anyone cares to actually see me, to communicate soul to soul, real living being to real living being. (My nestmate is a beautiful exception, but then that’s why we’ve endured as we have.)

I’ve had it with lowering the bar. Fucking get on my level.

Cleared PARANOIA survivor (new 15, old 10) again today. After re-clearing Utopia (11 from ITG) a week ago, I think I’m finally up to where I was a decade and a half ago!

There’s something distinctly cyclical about how I’m relating to others and my goals at the moment and I don’t know how to attribute it.

Energy for creative output has waned — just wanna play games. Don’t care to see others or meet new people. I’m at the tail end of my P cycle so we’ll see what it’s like later this week when I’m off that again. I have quite a lot of socialising coming up and I want to be there for it, otherwise it’s gonna get annoying.

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get pushed or pulled around by dreams too much, but there’s something appealing about the inscrutability of allowing yourself to follow a path that’s been opened up for you, rather than demanding to try to understand one’s every little motive. Most of our reasoning’s made up post-hoc anyway, right?

(quoted from an email I sent a little while ago)